Glimpsing the Unconscious

I think that you learn the most about yourself when you don't have much to think about and your brain just wanders. In these moments when you find it wandering to things you've never found yourself thinking about before, those are important moments.

I think you learn a lot about yourself in the split second it takes to retweet or like something. you find you really do believe in something before you have the chance to talk yourself out of it. It's in the little inconsequential moments of decision that we can find out a lot about ourselves if we are paying attention.

There used to be things I sincerely cared about and thought about all the time. Today I realized I haven't thought about those things in quite awhile. I mourned, for a few seconds, that old Brigitte and then moved on because I like this new Brigitte oh so much better.

This new Brigitte isn't ambivalent about the rights of people. She actually cares if everyone has the same right sand will probably say something about it. This new Brigitte cares an awful lot about women's rights, LGBT rights and Ethnic rights. She cares even more about the people being treated well and respectfully regardless of their gender, ethnicity or sexual orientation. she cares about morals a whole lot more. She cares about equal opportunities.

This new Brigitte cares less what people think. She's not afraid to speak or tweet her mind, even if someone may disagree with her. This new Brigitte is more assertive.

This new Brigitte has moved on from boys who are noncommittal. She will not wait around for anyone. She is no longer pursuing any relationships with anyone she does not unequivocally enjoy being with. she's not afraid to spend time by herself because being alone isn't scary or lonely, it's empowering.

So while I mourn the loss of a Brigitte from years past, I'm not sorry to see her go. I feel as though I've matured and grown into a person I'm proud to be. Shy isn't really my personal anymore. Selective is.

We catch glimpses of who we really are in our most unguarded moments when we think not even the conscious part of our brain is paying attention to the unconscious part. But those moments we glimpse can be revealing if we pursue them.

Everything Changed Today

At exactly 10 AM Mountain Standard Time Donald John Trump was sworn in as President of the United States. I sat in front of my desk at work with my coworkers watching by my side and things felt slightly wrong. The bottom dropped out of my stomach and I legitimately put my hands over my mouth to stop . . . well to be quite frank I don't actually know what I was trying to stop.

I think for me the transition has been a surreal experience. I've watched domestic politics in a way I've never watched them before. Meaning, I actually kept up on them. Trump was naming his team and it didn't actually feel like any of them would ever take those places.

And then today it actually happened. Trump and Pence were sworn in, later Mattis and Kelly were confirmed and sworn in. So it's real folks, they're here for at least four years. And I've been thinking a lot about that in recent days. several years ago I got upset at a debate student I judged who simply made fun of the President pretty much the whole speech. At that moment in time I presented the argument that even if you do not like the action of the President, or approve of his ideology, that the office of the President deserves your respect.

So I've been facing some cognitive dissonance. I have a lot of trouble respecting the man who now holds the highest office of my land. I don't approve of his choices in rhetoric, I don't enjoy his policy ideas. I do not like him Sam I am. I do not like him here or there, I do not like him anywhere. But I do believe in respecting the office.

So I will not say "Not my President." Because he is my president. I still live in the United States of America and therefore he is the president for the next four years. And I have determined to respect the office, even if I cannot respect the man.

So everything changed today, but that change just means that regular citizens will have to work harder to let their representatives know what they do and don't like. We will have to work harder to make our voices heard. Civic involvement in the Political process has always been a crucial part of our democracy. Right now it is even more important.

In many ways I believe that President Trump's campaign, nomination, presidential win and now inauguration have shown us the stark divisions that are in our country. We knew that they were there, we just didn't quite know how deep they ran. His campaign revealed that we were not a 'post-racist' nation. The campaign revealed to us that societal discrimination was still leveled at women. His campaign revealed many distasteful things about our country that it is now our duty to fix.

He may not be your president, but he is my president and that just means I have to work harder. I have to be better. Hopefully, by the time my working harder pays off I will be able to say with pride, I serve the President of the United States. That may not be till after Grad School (so 2-4 years) but someday I will be able to say that.

Everything changed today. I hope that change will eventually be for the better.

Bigger 'n I Thought

I debated for awhile which blog to put this on. The private one or this one, the one where the college student tells what she feels about politics. Ultimately I decided the crisis I am going through is one that all college students will inevitably struggle with at some time. And so here is where this post belongs.

Tonight I was going through my Degree Works, the program that informs me what my progress is towards my degree. I've always known I was close, I came to college as a sophomore and have taken above the average class loads for 5 semesters. However, I didn't realize how incredibly close I was. I could be only one more class away from graduation. Which means that I could graduate early and there isn't really a reason not to.

This threw me into a mental tailspin. I haven't even begun to look at grad schools. I don't know even what kind of program I want to try. I haven't thought about the GRE. Money for Grad school doesn't grow on trees and I know that no matter where I go living costs are going to be so much more outside of Utah.

My progress through school has gone faster than my ability to take advantage of experiences like study abroad or internships. I put them off anyway and then my education was sped up.

I've always thought of myself as a well put together student. Up until this point I've always had a plan. But seeing my future facing me that closely is unnerving. I don't have a plan. For the first time in my life I don't have a plan. I don't know what programs I want to look at. I don't know what I want to do with the rest of my life. I don't know what I want to study. I don't know what I want to specialize in.

I feel like I am suspended in ambiguity. I feel like I'm wading through pudding trying to reach for some nebulous object I can't quite see, but I want it and yet I can't find anything to stand on anything or see any viable path to grab what I want.

High School was safe. Undergrad was safe. But after Undergrad. That's not safe. That's as frightening as it gets.

I'm a 20 year old poised on graduation. I'm bigger than I thought and that scares me.