Bigger 'n I Thought

I debated for awhile which blog to put this on. The private one or this one, the one where the college student tells what she feels about politics. Ultimately I decided the crisis I am going through is one that all college students will inevitably struggle with at some time. And so here is where this post belongs.

Tonight I was going through my Degree Works, the program that informs me what my progress is towards my degree. I've always known I was close, I came to college as a sophomore and have taken above the average class loads for 5 semesters. However, I didn't realize how incredibly close I was. I could be only one more class away from graduation. Which means that I could graduate early and there isn't really a reason not to.

This threw me into a mental tailspin. I haven't even begun to look at grad schools. I don't know even what kind of program I want to try. I haven't thought about the GRE. Money for Grad school doesn't grow on trees and I know that no matter where I go living costs are going to be so much more outside of Utah.

My progress through school has gone faster than my ability to take advantage of experiences like study abroad or internships. I put them off anyway and then my education was sped up.

I've always thought of myself as a well put together student. Up until this point I've always had a plan. But seeing my future facing me that closely is unnerving. I don't have a plan. For the first time in my life I don't have a plan. I don't know what programs I want to look at. I don't know what I want to do with the rest of my life. I don't know what I want to study. I don't know what I want to specialize in.

I feel like I am suspended in ambiguity. I feel like I'm wading through pudding trying to reach for some nebulous object I can't quite see, but I want it and yet I can't find anything to stand on anything or see any viable path to grab what I want.

High School was safe. Undergrad was safe. But after Undergrad. That's not safe. That's as frightening as it gets.

I'm a 20 year old poised on graduation. I'm bigger than I thought and that scares me.