I'm Not Perfect, and That's Okay, Okay?

What follows is something that resulted from an examination of my stressors for an assignment. I was asked to examine the roles I play and what kind of formative experiences have led to the identity I assume. It turned into something of a therapy session after a post I wrote on Sunday night following a particularly difficult day. I wrote:

Tonight I reached that “overwhelmed” point.
You know the one.
Where nothing seems to be particularly wrong.
School is fine.
Work is fine.
Nothing is overly stressful.
And yet. I feel overwhelmed and drowning. Drowning in feelings and worries and doubts. Drowning in emotional distress from losing friends and from growing older, seeking graduation and grad school.
So I went for a walk this evening in 17 degrees Fahrenheit. Because that is where I feel closer to God. I poured out my overwhelmed heart. I cried tears that nearly froze on my face. I sought his comfort and guidance. My prayer ended in gratitude and cold legs (I was wearing a dress), but not the comfort I was seeking.
And then I opened one of my Book of Mormon study aids, one I haven’t used for awhile, and there it was. This picture.
And suddenly, there were the arms of heaven surrounding me. Showing me that I am the girl in this portrait. I am His child. His love now surrounds me and oh how I love Him for helping me in the simplest of ways. I now cry tears, not of sorrow, but of joy because my Savior knows me and my heart and how to reach me even when I feel unreachable. ❤️

I was achingly open, because I believe that we need to be sharing the hard things we feel comfortable sharing on social media, as well as our most successful moments. For the one person this post helped, and I truly hope there was one, it was worth baring my soul. Sunday's breakdown was the result of near-term stressors, but as I wrote this passage for my assignment I realized that the most recent breakdown was ultimately tied to the persona I currently cultivate, and have cultivated for a long, long time without actively meaning to. It's simply a part of my identity.

There are parts of this persona that I wouldn't change. I like them about myself. It's the negative parts, and the parts that leave me haunted that I would like to change. The problem is this: That the negative parts of my persona are mostly about how others perceive me, and I can't change them. So I'll work on myself. Convincing myself daily that I'm good enough. In the meantime, I hope that this helps you. Maybe it helps you understand me, but maybe, just maybe, my experience will resonate with you and you'll feel better about whatever you're going through. If I help just one person, sharing my struggles, however mundane they may be, will be worth it.

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I wear many hats, roommate, daughter, grand-daughter, friend, confidant, Vice-President in my honors society, ace student (my professors think so and I try to prove them right), Foreign Policy nerd, Star Wars Geek, long-term employee (I'm one of the longest there at 2 ½ years, so there's some pressure there to have the institutional knowledge that others might not.) I wear the hat of polished and competent, even when I don't feel it. For a long time, I've struggled with feelings of inadequacy, mostly because I shoot myself in the foot by doing things, on the outside, very well. However, on the inside, the things I'm doing don't feel perfect, they don't look perfect. In fact, they aren't perfect. 

And yet, I've got a reputation that I feel I must maintain. Once, in high school, I forgot to do the back of an assignment. When called upon to answer a question for that side of the assignment I was very honest and said that I had not completed it so did not have an answer for the teacher. The class was immediately, and loudly, verbally reactive. It shocked them all, because I was nothing if not thorough. When I remarked that not everyone was perfect and it was perfectly normal for me to have forgotten that part of the assignment the kid behind me said "Yeah, but you're pretty close [to perfect.]" That's always stuck with me, and shocked me, because even back then I was battling demons they knew nothing about. I was not perfect and I knew it, but everyone thought I was.

I've never liked to be pigeon holed like that, and yet I'm the oldest child who has always gotten good grades and excelled. I'm the student who raises her hand and answers the questions, usually with some level of insight. I'm the TA in the introductory course. I'm the sophomore who completed a Graduate level course. I'm the one who walks into a class and students say "the professor and her TA's could be less intimidating." On some days I don't mind being that person. In fact, some days I relish in the ability to be that person. I've worked hard to become her. I've worked hard to be trusted and loved by my mentor. I've worked hard to be the one who scares freshmen because they don't know what they're getting into. But the problem with being intimidating, trusted, and "perfect" is that there isn't very much room for me to broken, struggling, and imperfect. Unfortunately, I'm human and sometimes I need to break down. To be achingly human. Sometimes I need that space. 

In fact, I have a chronic case of imposter syndrome. Even now as I finish my Bachelor's degree, and my mentor trusts me with more and more, I don't feel qualified. I'm sure I have the abilities and the knowledge, but I still feel inadequate and unqualified. But she trusts me, so that should count for something, right? It doesn't seem to in my mind. I struggle daily with the idea that I know things, that I am useful, that I am good enough. And still, my mentor will ask me to do things, to help someone develop a new skill and I am immediately wracked with self-doubt. Imposter-syndrome is quite common among women, 9 times out of 10, I made that stat up, if you ask a woman expert a question she will defer you to a male counterpart, even if she is more qualified. She has imposter syndrome. Of course, it's possible for males to also have imposter syndrome, but it's quite a bit more common in women. I know this intellectually, but that absolutely does not mean that I can actively and effectively combat it in the way I comport myself. I battle daily with imposter syndrome and all it stops me from doing. 

In addition, I am often the listening ear for the friend who is breaking down and who needs the sage advice and the shoulder to cry on. I'm comfortable in that role. In fact, I'm really good at turning a conversation away from me and back on another person. I don't like talking about myself. I'd rather solve someone else's problems than focus on my own. This leaves me with an inability to talk about my struggles when they are happening. It leaves me unwilling to burden others with the things that are troubling me, and it leaves me unwilling to turn to someone else and let them be my shoulder to cry on, even after they offer time and time again. I'm working on that.

I'm expected to be the perfect one. I want it that way sometimes. But other times, I want to be able to break down and have the space for that and for everyone to know that I'm okay, that I'll be fine, but sometimes I need to cry, sometimes I need to vent and then it will all be okay again. Because I'm working to be better and someday I'll be perfect. It just may not happen in this life.  

Themes of War in Star Wars

           A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away a young man had a dream for a movie franchise that would take the galaxy by storm. Well, more accurately, it was only 40 years ago in California, the young man was George Lucas and the movie franchise was Star Wars. The sci-fi war story was developed as a story for young teenage boys, but soon fell into the hearts of people of all ages. 40 years, and nine completed films later, the franchise has become one of the most beloved in the world’s history.

Although it is a well-beloved sci-fi action franchise, the story is wholly about war, and the products of war. Which means that many of the themes discussed in true-to-life war novels are also discussed in these films to some extent. It seems almost impossible for a sci-fi franchise for children to adequately explore some of the heavier themes of war, yet Lucas manages to do so with a light hand, managing to show the true effects of war in a way that is not overwhelming, yet also captures the true nature of war.

Throughout novels of true-to-life war there are themes that rise to the surface: the broken warrior; the maltreatment of women, including rape and sexual slavery; the subjectivity of bad and good; the reality of duty or honor as the driving force for military enlistment; the development of super weapons; the change in a soldier from eager, curious citizen to sober, battle hardened warrior; and so many more. These themes play out in the Star Wars films to a lesser extent.

In the interest of time and space, this analysis will only talk about three themes found in the original trilogy (A New Hope, The Empire Strikes Back, and The Return of the Jedi) in comparison to the themes found specifically in the books Fear, The Sorrow of War, Catch-22, and Shoot Like a Girl. The three themes explored will be as follows, the change from citizen to warrior, the fractured warrior, and the treatment of women in war.

The Eager, Curious Citizen to Battle-hardened Warrior

            In Fear, Jean Dartemont heads to war “not to fight but out of curiosity: to see.”[1] In some ways, this young man is the epitome of young and naïve. He simply wants to experience what war might be like. Dartemont notes that the last war was so long ago that the newest generations don’t know what it is like. War is a curiosity to those who are not actively involved. However, as the war progresses Dartemont becomes more and more of a cynic, commenting on the seemingly futile nature of shooting at the Germans on the front. For Dartemont, the war is no longer a curiosity, but a dreaded nightmare with seemingly no purpose. In fact, it becomes almost a badge of honor among the troops to be so badly injured that one can no longer fight[2].

            This second attitude is also showcased in Catch-22. While we never actually get to meet Yossarian before he goes to war, by the time we do meet him he is a cynic and has definitely espoused this battle-hardened, sober warrior who would rather be at home or in the hospital than fighting a war that doesn’t seem to have a purpose[3].

            This theme in Star Wars is most obviously found in Luke Skywalker himself. He is the epitome of eager, curious and naïve citizen. If one were to read literature found in the extended universe they would discover that when Luke asks to go away at the very beginning of the film, he is asking to go train in Empire flight school[4]. However, Luke is somewhat unwittingly recruited by R2-D2, C-3PO and Obi-Wan Kenobi to join the light side. Once they leave Tatooine Luke is thrust into a fight he didn’t necessarily want to be a part of, but joins anyway, mostly because there is nothing left for him on Tatooine[5].

            By the later films of the series Luke has seen so much death and loss that he has become the battle-hardened warrior. He doesn’t quite cross the bridge into cynicism, because it would be difficult to have a film for young teenagers in which the main character was not eager to be a part of the fight, but he does seem to be tempered a bit in later films as he becomes a Jedi and a leader among the rebel alliance[6].

            War changes a person. A person who has gone to war is never the same when they come home, and this is a theme that is still portrayed in Star Wars as it is in books written about our historical wars.

The Fractured Warrior

            If war changes a person, then we have to account for all those who come home from war broken, both spiritually, physically, and mentally. More than any other war novel, Sorrow of War, encapsulates the mentality of the warrior who returns home so very, very broken. This novel details the experiences of one North Vietnamese warrior who was witness to terrible actions and experiences. This young man, Kien, starts as a naïve and innocent young man. He and his high school sweetheart grow up in a world where war is going on but hasn’t yet reached them. By the time they have reached their majority, Kien is sent off to fight in the war. However, by the time he reaches his unit he has already witnessed his friend being raped, a train being blown up and many other horrible things. This was just in the first few days of Kien’s war[7].

            When the war concludes, Kien is the only remaining man alive from his unit. He returns a completely fractured man, unable to fully function as a person. He sits in his apartment furiously writing, a little bit scary as an individual and worrisome to his neighbors. Sorrow of War is written from Kien’s perspective, and it is fractured with abrupt shifts from one time and space to another. One is never quite sure of the timeline of events and memories interrupt the daily goings on without clarity of the change in scene and time. This warrior, returning from the battle is fractured. He is physically broken, he is mentally gone, and his spirit has been wounded irreparably[8]. Kien is not the only soldier to return from war broken, this is common among veterans who have witnessed atrocities they never could have imagined.      

            In Star Wars this fractured warrior is represented through the characters of Yoda and Obi-Wan Kenobi. Through the back story of the prequels, and the animated TV show The Clone Wars[9], it is clear that both these crucial characters were involved in the Clone Wars which were the events that precipitated the rise of the Empire.

            In Obi-Wan, we can see the warrior who has secluded himself. He hides himself from the world partly because of necessity, but also because he might be hiding from the people he had to kill and the things he had to see. In his duel with Darth Vader he simple stops and surrenders as a distraction for the rest of the crew to get away from the Death Star, but it seems to also be a relief for him to surrender and to be released from the torture of the things he’s seen and done[10]. In essence, Obi-Wan’s sacrifice is an act of suicide, which we are seeing in unprecedented numbers from American veterans as well[11]. The Star Wars representation of suicide must be seen as noble, but nevertheless, the hopelessness of the fractured warrior is clear when examined beyond the narrative.

            In Yoda, the soldier who is simply tired is showcased. Yoda is tired of war, he is tired of violence and atrocity. When Luke first arrives on Dagobah, the viewer is pretty well convinced that Yoda is crazy. He is certainly not the calm, sedate, wise Yoda one comes to know in the prequels. He is jumping off of everything and talks strangely, even for him, who structures his speech object-subject-verb. War changes a person, and sometimes breaks their ability to be calm and collected. Yoda is broken a little differently from Obi-Wan, but he is still broken, just as every soldier who comes home from combat is broken differently from their compatriots. The one thing that Yoda is able to do, even in his broken state, is focus on his duty and train the next Jedi, Luke[12].

            Even the most broken soldier, according to Star Wars, has some measure of honor. Star Wars is teaching the martial values of honor and doing one’s duty, even while it is acknowledging, to some extent, that being honorable may have a cost.

Maltreatment of Women in War

            It is a well-accepted fact that women, civilian and military alike, are not treated well when there is a war. In the novel Shoot Like a Girl, Mary Jennings Hagar details her experiences in the Air Force. Including the systematic discrimination, disrespect, and even sexual harassment and rape[13]. These are not uncommon for women in the military forces, and many are stepping forward to make a change. However, maltreatment of women in the military forces is not the primary violence against women during a war.

            Rape is, unfortunately, a common occurrence in war and is often mentioned in novels about war. To not talk about this reality in a novel of war would be disingenuous. In The Sorrow of War, Kien refers to several instances of rape he witnessed. First was the rape of his own girlfriend by a fellow soldier on the train to the battlefield. Then he watched as his fellow countrywoman offered herself up to be gang raped and killed by a group of Americans to distract them from the presence of Kien and his troops[14].

            These are far from being the only instances of rape and maltreatment of women during war. War is a time when the most basic self-control is shattered as actions that are usually prohibited, like killing, are all of the sudden acceptable and encouraged. Naturally, this means that other forbidden impulses slip by the carefully guarded gate. If one forbidden fruit is allowed, then it is hard to keep the other forbidden fruits out of reach.

            This theme is tricky for Star Wars to handle, and while it doesn’t show any actually rape, the original trilogy are all rated PG, they still address the mistreatment of women in the films. Anyone who has ever seen Return of the Jedi has seen Princess Leia in that famous gold bikini, but what people never seem to remember is that that gold bikini is accompanied by chains around her neck and a grotesque creature who puts her into uncomfortable positions. In addition, there is little memory of her predecessor, a young female alien who was also forced to wear a skimpy outfit, wear chains and dance upon command. When this young alien refused and rebelled, she was killed[15]. If one looks beyond the sexual appeal of Leia wearing a gold bikini one will see a representation not only of rapists as ugly, fat and terrible people, but a representation of the maltreatment of women during war in Star Wars.

Conclusion

            While Star Wars is a movie franchise created to appeal to teenagers, its broader impacts are in addressed the very real impacts of war. The movies are most often called a ‘space opera,’ but it truly does address, at least to a certain extent the terrible things that take place in a war. It is true that to a certain extent the films glorify war, there is no getting past that, but what these films do accomplish is to bring attention to some terrible effects of war in times when it is unlikely that a realistic war film would be well received. Star Wars was directly referencing problems from the Vietnam War when the war was barely over, in today’s popular culture we are just now finding it appropriate and acceptable to talk about the effects of that war.

            Pop Culture has the unique capability to bring attention to valid and appropriate concerns in real time. Star Wars not only does so effectively, it does so will lovable and timeless characters, meaning these stories and lessons will be shared across generations, and maybe eventually the lessons will be learned.

Works Cited

Chevallier, Gabriel. Fear. New York, New York: New York Review of Books, 2008.

Heller, Joseph. Catch-22. 50th Anniversary. New York, New York: Simon & Schuster Paperbacks, 2011.

Kershner, Irvin. Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back. Action, Adventure, Fantasy, 1980.

Lucas, George. A New Hope: Star Wars: Episode IV, 2008.

———. Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace. Action, Adventure, Fantasy, 1999.

———. Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones. Action, Adventure, Fantasy, 2002.

———. Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith. Action, Adventure, Fantasy, 2005.

———. Star Wars: Episode IV- A New Hope. Action, Adventure, Fantasy, 1977.

———. Star Wars: The Clone Wars. TV Series, Animation, Action, Adventure, 2008.

Marquand, Richard. Star Wars: Episode VI-Return of the Jedi. Action, Adventure, Fantasy, 1983.

Mary Jennings, Hegar. Shoot Like a Girl: One Woman’s Dramatic Fight in Afghanistan and on the Home Front. New York, New York: Penguin Random House LLC, 2017.

Ninh, Bao. The Sorrow of War: A Novel of North Vietnam. New York, New York: Riverhead Books: The Berkley Publishing Group, 1996.

Shane III, Leo, and Patricia Kime. “New VA Study Finds 20 Veterans Commit Suicde a Day.” Military Times, July 7, 2016. https://www.militarytimes.com/veterans/2016/07/07/new-va-study-finds-20-veterans-commit-suicide-each-day/.

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[1] Gabriel Chevallier, Fear (New York, New York: New York Review of Books, 2008), p8.

[2] Chevallier.

[3] Joseph Heller, Catch-22, 50th Anniversary (New York, New York: Simon & Schuster Paperbacks, 2011).

[4] George Lucas, A New Hope: Star Wars: Episode IV, 2008.

[5] George Lucas, Star Wars: Episode IV- A New Hope, Action, Adventure, Fantasy, 1977.

[6] Irvin Kershner, Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back, Action, Adventure, Fantasy, 1980;

Richard Marquand, Star Wars: Episode VI-Return of the Jedi, Action, Adventure, Fantasy, 1983.

[7] Bao Ninh, The Sorrow of War: A Novel of North Vietnam (New York, New York: Riverhead Books: The Berkley Publishing Group, 1996).

[8] Ninh.

[9] George Lucas, Star Wars: The Clone Wars, TV Series, Animation, Action, Adventure, 2008; George Lucas, Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace, Action, Adventure, Fantasy, 1999; George Lucas, Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones, Action, Adventure, Fantasy, 2002; George Lucas, Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith, Action, Adventure, Fantasy, 2005.

[10] Lucas, Star Wars: Episode IV- A New Hope.

[11] Leo Shane III and Patricia Kime, “New VA Study Finds 20 Veterans Commit Suicde a Day,” Military Times, July 7, 2016, https://www.militarytimes.com/veterans/2016/07/07/new-va-study-finds-20-veterans-commit-suicide-each-day/.

[12] Kershner, Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back.

[13] Hegar Mary Jennings, Shoot Like a Girl: One Woman’s Dramatic Fight in Afghanistan and on the Home Front (New York, New York: Penguin Random House LLC, 2017).

[14] Ninh, The Sorrow of War: A Novel of North Vietnam.

[15] Marquand, Star Wars: Episode VI-Return of the Jedi.